I’m a mess

I’m sick. I have the full blown cold thing going on.  Painful eyes.  Stuffy nose.  Sore throat.  General feeling of “GO to hell, all of you, now.”

But it’s Halloween.

I promised my kids that we’d watch It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown this morning — and then couldn’t find it.

I attempted to dye Duck’s hair with Kool-Aid and managed to do it – but also dyed his forehead, neck, ears, back, my hands, my wrists, my forearms, several towels and quite possibly our bathtub.

We still haven’t carved our pumpkins and aren’t really sure when we’re going to pull that off.  Maybe before our Halloween party today at 1?  Maybe after?

I have made arrangements to have some alone time today so I can hit a couple of stores for yarn for Christmas projects, but now I cannot remember what I’m making for the few people I’m knitting for and thus don’t really know what the hell I’m looking for, either.

I’ve made a vow to start eating better (which is pretty hard to do ’cause I’m somewhat of a food freak and obsessively read labels anyhow,) but last night we took the boys to Chuck E. Cheese’s to celebrate Duck’s ability to tie and double knot his shoes.  I’m telling you, there is not one decent ingredient in that pizza. NOT. ONE.  So of course, the boys win a zillion and twelve tickets and choose to turn them in for Cotton Candy to share.  Stealth eats all of his, Duck eats part and declares he’s done.  Now, I love cotton candy.I LOVE IT.  But healthy? Not so much.  Not wanting to load my 5 year old up with more sugar and not wanting to waste it, I ate the rest.  And, for good measure, came home and compensated for that by eating 2 tiny boxes of Nerds.  I’m on a fucking roll, ya’ll.  And I’m sure there will be loads of candy tonight, too.  Damn damn damn damn damn.

Hank won’t stop licking Duck’s head.  Guess dogs like Orange Kool-Aid

Stealth keeps asking me to make him a REAL lightening bolt scar for his forehead.  I keep telling him that I REFUSE to cut his head for a damned  costume.  I refuse.  But I have to tell you, if that kid doesn’t get off my ass soon, he might just get his wish.

I tell you, it’s turning out to be a spooky enough day.  Thank Elvis this happens only once a year.

Trick or Treat

Slap your Grandma Salmon Chowder

I love Salmon. And I love Soup.  More specifically, I love a good chowder – something about a thick creamy soup with lotsa chunky ingredients makes me smile for hours and hours.  I googled around until I found the best recipe and then modified it a bit. So good it makes you wanna jump up and slap your Grandma.  Or, well, slap something ….

I found the original recipe here

Salmon filet (about 3-4 inches long), OR 2 single serving frozen salmon portions, thawed.
Olive oil
Salt and pepper

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. Remove skin from salmon (if using fresh filet.) Brush both sides heavily with olive oil and sprinkle the top with salt and pepper. Heat a cast iron skillet on high on the stove. When the skillet is hot, put the salmon in the pan and cook for 2 minutes – do not move the salmon during this time – it will fall apart.. Then flip the salmon over, put the skillet in the oven and bake for 5 minutes. Remove from the oven and cool. Flake into small pieces when cool.

1 medium onion, finely chopped
4 carrots, cut into ¼-inch rings
4 medium red potatoes, unpeeled and cut into ½-inch chunks
1 cup water
2 cups chicken broth
½ teaspoon dried dill
¾ teaspoon salt
Course ground black pepper
2 cups frozen corn, thawed

flaked salmon
1 cup half-and-half

Spray a large soup pot with cooking spray and heat over medium heat. Add onion and carrots and cook, until vegetables are tender (about 5 min.) Add potatoes, chicken broth, dill, salt, pepper, and water. Heat to boiling until potatoes are fork-tender.When potatoes are ready, add corn and salmon to the pot and cook 5 minutes. Stir in half-and-half; heat through, but do not boil. Serve. 

Woman + hair shears = BANGS!

Yep, sat there knitting today and realized that I want something new and different.

So, I did this:

Now, if only I could pay myself the $35 I’d have spent on that trim ….

Cycles

It’s getting colder.  Down into the 40s at night.  The sun sets earlier and rises later.  I walk Hank in the dark in the mornings.  It’s raining a lot.  We’re wearing a lot more clothes.

Putting on my layers this morning made me feel as if I was winding myself up in a cocoon.  Layer of lace, layer of cotton, layer of wool.    I hold the layers close to me, wrap them tightly around me.  I feel the warmth, the smoothness, the beauty and function.  They are my protection -protection from cold, from discomfort, from exposure.  They keep me safe and warm and together so that all my insides can keep doing their jobs.

I kind of cocoon myself every Autumn.  I realized it this morning – I have a very specific pattern.  Starting in the Autumn, I find myself withdrawing into myself.  I feel the need to focus internally and on my family.  I feel the need to be home,  to rid myself of the minutia that tries to force itself deep into our lives without invitation, to choose my words and my actions very carefully – almost as if using any energy unnecessarily is detrimental to me. 

I do a lot of inner work during the colder months.  I discover what parts of me I like and what parts need some work.  I think about my children and my husband and the family we make together.  I think about where I have been and where I want to go.  I think about what I’ve learned and what lessons need to revisit me a few more times.  I think about nourishment nearly continually – nourishment of the body, of the mind, of the heart, of the soul.  I eat a lot of soup – some with my mouth, most with my mind.

I do this every year.  In the past, I have thought something was “wrong” with me when I started to step out of my active social life.  I used to term it “Seasonal Depression,” this need to stay in, stay warm, stay with my family.  I used to think it was something that needed fixing.  And that was the problem.  Buddhists believe that life is suffering – it’s the attempt to avoid suffering that equals pain and misery.  It’s actually a much deeper and more complicated theory than I care to expound on here, but what sounds like a decision to give up and live a life of misery is actually the door to complete happiness.  This morning, putting on my jeans, my camisole, my long sleeved shirt, my sweater, I allowed myself to see the open door and I stepped right through.

I need to bunker down.  I need to semi-isolate myself and do all the introspection that I do during the Autumn and Winter.  I need to do it for the Spring, when I start peeling off the layers, when I start coming out of the cocoon, when I emerge lighter, more beautiful than before.    Then I will fly again.

Little things

I got some second hand speakers, a monitor, and keyboard a little while back.  No reason, really, other than someone got a new computer and didn’t need these parts anymore.  If you know me, you know that I blow my keyboards out at least once a year or so (okay, sometimes they last 2 years) because I’m always spilling coffee in the morning and cocktails in the evening and something is always making my keys get funky and sticky and gah.  SO anyway, the parts that I have now are from a different company than my tower, and yet they seem to work better with my system!  The hotkeys for skipping tracks actually work with iTunes!  The refresh page actually refreshes, the cut and paste buttons actually cut and paste, and get this – I hit one button and the calculator pops up!  I know I know I know, this will not cure cancer or the common cold, but it sure as hell makes me happy.

It’s the little things, you know?

 I went to lunch with JP yesterday.  We’d been talking about where to go and we both found ourselves dumbstruck to not be wanting sushi.  What we wanted, in fact, were burgers!  We went to W’s, even though B had already left for the day.  We arrived and were greeted with the typical “MAMAKOHL!” response ala Cheers!, and before I even had taken my purse off my shoulder, one of the managers and our dear friend arrived with cocktails (it was a late lunch, ya’ll – 3pm!)  After he left, the owner arrived and gave me a huge hug, talked to me about some knitting business, then told us lunch was on him.  Fantastic!  While we were eating, I looked at the corner of the bar and saw our manager friend and the owner “schooling” the 2 new servers and new bartender on who I am and what I like and how I should be treated.  Completely and totally unnecessary, of course, and that’s what makes it special.  That’s why I keep going back.  Little things.

I’ve been really unhappy with my wardrobe lately.  TOTALLY displeased.  Jeans don’t fit right, the cords seem to have no personality, there’s no art, no passion, no gypsy wildness in my clothes.  This, as you can imagine, will just not do.  I got frustrated because it’s not really in our budget to go and buy a zillion new things.  And then while I was writing in my journal this morning, my brain started buzzing about how to take what I have, cut the shit out of it, and stick it all back together in new and unusual ways.  That embroidered belt that I’ve had for ages but never manage to wear because I’m too curvy and it’s too big?  Well, shazzam, that little belt is now going to be the decorative cuffs on the too long jeans that will be cut off and cuffed to be worn with boots.  Dad’s old jean jacket that I’ve had since Jr High will be getting new life – the sleeves have been ripped and resewn so many times it’s nearly unwearable will be no longer.  It will get new fiber sleeves – cannot tell if I want to do something with Ozark or this really fab purple boa type stuff I have.    The “Too Stretchy to Be Jeans” jeans will be converted into a mid-calf length skirt with random stripes of retro fabric.   The embroidered jeans that have seen too many washings to be wearable will have the embroidery cut out and reapplied on a very typical button up white collared shirt with the sleeves cut off.  I could go on and on and on and on and on.  New wardrobe, no money spent, reduce reuse recycle. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.  And it’s a little thing.

B and I had a date night last night.  NO kiddos.  We were going to go out.  We were going to dinner and to watch a movie.  We were going to do all of that.  What we ended up doing, however, was eating a pizza and hanging out in the dark on our back deck, wrapped in blankets, drinking hot cider, and enjoying a fire in our chiminea.  There was wind and flames and night sounds and the biggest brightest moon.  I want to do it again and and again and again.  It was perfect, simply perfect.  And it was a little thing.

Sometimes just saying something can make it so.  Happened to me this morning.  I just sat there, writing my Morning pages, and said out loud, “Life is an adventure.  Life can be an enormous explosion of creative expression.  Life can be a party!”  And just by saying it aloud, I convinced myself it was true.  And once I convinced myself it was true, it really became true.  Try it for yourself – it’ll work. I promise.  

Little words, little action, huge results.

The Gospel According to Bobby

Oooh..Ooooh

I tell you it will shake the earth beneath your feet

The light that shines will redefine your old beliefs

What you reap is what you sow and so it goes

Where you plant your needs is where your garden grows

Before you think about yourself

Think of someone else, it will make you feel

Each day ain’t wine and roses

I doubt it’s meant to be

Always a cross to bear salvation don’t come free

A heart that beats is a heart that bleeds

And you know that’s true

So don’t deny yourself of something good for you

Before you do it for yourself, do it for someone else

That makes it real
[Chorus:]

‘Cause when you love someone

It don’t matter what you say

When you love someone

You will dance the night away

When you love someone

There ain’t nothing you can’t do

Ain’t that right

Yeah I want to love someone tonight

Will you believe in love or just sit around and judge?

Can you forgive someone or will u hold a grudge?

Cuz above selfishness there lies a bright blue sky

And wealth and happiness can be a long and lonesome ride

Yes it’s hard to steer yourself

Without that someone else to take the wheel

Take the wheel
[Chorus]
Do you believe in the art of growing old

Do you believe that rock n roll can save your soul

Do you believe in everything you do

Cuz when you do that’s when it all comes back to you

Before you think about yourself

Think of someone else

Do it for yourself

And do it for someone else
When you love someone

Surfacing

I’m making myself stop what I’m doing for a bit and sit down here at the computer and write a bit.  You know, when I first started this blog a few years ago, I felt it was because I had something to say.  Well, let’s be honest, I almost always have something to say.  There have been a few times lately, however, that I’ve been struck speechless – a) when a girlfriend told me her husband had his hair highlighted, b) when another friend told me that her wanker ex-husband wanted to share a tent with her at a Boy Scout Camp out with their son, c) when Duck walked out of the bathroom having taught himself how to tie his shoes, d) when B brought me a bottle of Gin bigger than my head.  You get the idea.  Anyway, I started to write this blog because I wanted it to be some sort of platform for me to express my thoughts. Now, frankly, I use it to keep track of time.  “When did I do that?  OH I know, I’ll check my blog.”  I tell you, it’s pretty damned handy.  So here I am writing this shit down so I can someday look back and remember when.

It’s been a damned busy fiber week or two.  I finally finished the shrug I was working on forever and I have to say, I’m so glad I took the time to make it. I love it.  I love it so much it is probably the most comfortable thing in my wardrobe.  It’s beautiful.  It’s classy.  It’s warm and soft and the perfect color.  It’s machine washable.  Everyone who sees it wants one.  It made B gasp out loud and then immediately take it off of me so he could put it on so I could see how it really looks from the back (I LOVE that man!!!) Pictures forthcoming.   I also made a cabled “ponchette.” I know, ponchette.  What a word.  Anyway, it’s like a poncho and capelet had too much to drink one night and ended up under the corner booth at Denny’s looking for each other’s fringe.  It’s a little big for me, but one of the yarns I used is 30% wool, so I’m hoping it might shrink up just a tiny bit when I wash it.  And, for the first time in nearly a year, I made another handbag.  I’d held onto the Ozark yarn for it for close to 3 years and finally put it to use.  It’s big and has an interesting subtle ridged effect in the Ozark part of the bag due to changing stitches.  I really like it – but haven’t bonded with it yet.  It doesn’t have a name as of yet.  I wonder if I shouldn’t just sell it.  I could use the money and it’s not screaming at me, so who knows.  Again, pictures coming soon.

My kids are obsessed with Poke´mon.  I spent a long time keeping them from it and then finally realized one day that I should just encourage them to get into it.  I mean, lots of our homeschool kids are into it – something else to talk about! Besides, man, they’ll do damned near anything that brings them closer to experiencing those freaky little critters.  Duck is now writing a book about Pikachu and someone else working in a lab asking questions about what makes the Earth tic.  Cool thing about it is that he has to research the answers to his own questions and then write it all down in dialogue form.  Stealth illustrates the book, so he has to color and draw and work on spacing – and all illustrations must be labeled.  Right now they are cleaning their room head to toe so they can go online and study these little creatures.  Who knew?

Speaking of their room, there are new things showing up on their walls every minute.  It’s very cool owning your own home because you can do all kinds of crazy things.  Yesterday I was inspired to inspire my children, so I grabbed a Sharpie and started writing messages on their walls – quotes from Isadora Duncan, Carl Sandburg, John Lennon.  I’m sure I’ll put more up there as the days pass.  It’s so wonderful because they have no idea I’m the one who has done it, so it’s like some sort of inspiration fairy is coming around and writing neat-o things on their walls.  They love it, I love it.  B thinks I should tell them it’s me – he thinks it’s awesome – but I refuse.  Let them have the mystery.  After all, much of the pleasure in life is in the wondering.

I went to Hannibal this past weekend with my Mom for the annual fall festival that they have there. and took the boys.  I had just finished reading The Adventures of Tom Sawyer to the kids (the Classic Start version that has been slightly edited to be suitable for younger readers,) and was so thrilled to show the kids the historic places as well as my old stomping grounds. I ran into my old best friend there as well as her mother.  Time isn’t as kind to some as it is to others – that’s all I’m saying.  As luck would have it, my “Friend ain’t strong enough a word” Friend, JFL, happened to be in Hannibal that weekend, too, for other reasons.  But we met up downtown, walked around a bit, climbed 244 stairs to the lighthouse on Cardiff Hill, and then rewarded ourselves with beer from the beer gardens.  Hannibal apparently has heard of Hefeweizen – who knew!?!?!?!  Another trip is planned in the near future when B can go, too.  We’ll meet up with JFL and maybe his kids and hit the cave and a few other places. Frankly, I might take B there for a weekend getaway soon.  Things are cheap, the parks are gorgeous, it’s close to home.  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

I finished up Stealth’s Halloween costume yesterday and need to finish Duck’s tomorrow.  I’m loving Mom’s badass sewing machine, let me tell you.  Broken bobbin winder or no, that damned thing purrs like a sports car.

Feeling really really close to B these days.  Feeling overwhelmed by how fragile and transient and temporary life is.  Every day with him is a gift, the greatest gift of my life. He is constant, there is never any doubt about his commitment to me or mine to him.  We know where things are and where things are going – well, as much as anyone can know.  I’m blessed, no question.

My MIL asked for the boys again.  I love that.  She’s getting them tomorrow morning and will return them Thursday afternoon.  JP is coming to visit for lunch and perhaps a cocktail tomorrow afternoon and then B and I will go out for dinner.  Thursday will be sewing and spinning and TCB.

I’ve been asked to write an article for a Midwifery support publication, due Dec 1.  I’m honored and thrilled to write for this publication – I just hope I have something brilliant to say!  Eh, it’s gonna be cake.  I need to hold a baby, though, you know, just for um… umm… inspiration?  😉

I’m listening to a very bizarre reggae version of Bob Dylan’s Subterranean Homesick Blues.  It is simply unreal!  I think it has to go on my yoga playlist, though, because when I have to concentrate really really really really hard to hold a certain pose, I lean on the music – and I have to concentrate to wrap my brain around this.  Seriously, ya’ll, you must hear it.

What to have for dinner? Hmmm.  Went grocery shopping this morning, dropped a ton of money on a bunch of vittles.  Sometimes it’s harder to decide what to have for dinner when you have a whole bunch of food than it is when your pantry is bare.

It’s too quiet upstairs.  Time to dive back under.

In the cards

Check it out – gobsmacked, as usual.  DDFF, give it try and see what card you are!

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I’m alive

Thanks for asking.  Just so busy I can barely breathe, much less post.

Hopefully things will slow down next week.