Posts Tagged ‘personal growth’

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Iz gunna be bizzeh

November 7, 2008

I’m overwhelmed with design and knitting orders AND I’mworking on a personal growth project and have hit the motherload of intensity.  I’ll be posting less, but reading more!

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Meditation of the moment

September 11, 2008


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

a return to love – marianne williamson

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Honesty+ vulnerability= peace and serenity

September 8, 2008

So I wrote a bit ago about some big changes in my life.  Things keep on changing.  It’s good!  It’s wonderful!  It’s sooo unusual. I love every bit of it, even the hard parts.  It seems as if every single day brings a huge revelation – like opening a present to myself with each and every breath.  Tell me that isn’t cool!

I’m leaving Friday for a 3 days Women’s Retreat in a small town in the middle of the woods about 90 minutes from home.  This is a radical thing for me.  I have left town many times since having kids, but always for work or for someones wedding or for family needs.  This is the first time that I’m going somewhere solely for me.  Just for me.  I’m going to spend 3 days with many women who are in the same spiritual place as me, some who have been where I am and can lead me further along the path, and even with some women who are where I have been and who will allow me to share my experience, strength, and hope with them in order to help them along their journey as well.  There will be workshops, meditations, speakers, activities.  Lots of food.  Lots of chocolate. Lots of laughter.  Probably lots of tears, as well.  Just thinking about it sends electricity through my body.  It’s going to be so wonderful!  It’s going to change my life.  I cannot wait!

Everything has a price, however, and this retreat is no exception.  This retreat is costing me my comfort zone.  I have to get completely and totally out of it to be able to participate.  My kids have never been watched by anyone other than family members (with the exception of 90 minutes with DDFF 6 years ago.. ) and wouldn’t you know it, all the family is booked solid for this weekend.  B has to work crazy hours (it’s a football weekend,) the in-laws have a retreat of their own, and my Mom is working, too.  What to do? What to do?  Clearly doing things like I’ve always done wouldn’t work – I can not be in 2 places at once.

So I prayed to my higher power (you ought to see what I see in my head when I say Higher Power – some very clearly feminine energy floating through the sky with sparklers and purple frosting like swirls,) and decided to take a chance and be honest about my circumstances and also be vulnerable enough to ask for help.  I emailed 6 women and explained my lack of experience with outside childcare and asked if anyone could step in and help out.  Wouldn’t you know it?  All but one of those 6 women stepped up and said, “YES!  I’ll watch your kids!”  The only reason that the 6th woman didn’t offer to help is ’cause she’s gonna be out of state and she, too, has not been given a time turner by Dumbledore.

I couldn’t believe my good fortune! This never would have happened had I not gotten out of myself and taken a chance.  WOOT!

As time passed, however, things started to get a bit more complicated.  The kick off time for the game was announced and it’s an early game.  This means that B will have to be at work at the insane hour of 5:30 for the even more insane tradition of Kegs and Eggs. Jeebuz, none of my friends would be cool with having someone drop a 6 year old and an 8 year old off at their house at 5am (actually, no one should be cool with this arrangement – it’s completely and totally absurd.)  I felt myself getting back into my old routine – stressing, freaking, trying to control what I cannot control.  See how much my comfort zone sucks?  I took yet another chance and confessed to not being Super Mom from Brainiac7.  Why is it so hard for me to admit that I don’t always have it together?  Anycrazy, the minute I confessed my conundrum, my super fly friend who is watching the kidlets suggested that they just stay the night Friday with her.  Problem solved!

Another week passes and yesterday morning I realize that I’m leaving in 5 days.  HOLY CRACKBALLS!  That’s really soon – and the anxiety starts flowing in.  Last night I barely slept.  I was nervous and freaking out — and just about right there in that comfort zone, but before I let myself get wrapped up in that fuzzy I-Am-The-Only-One-On-Top-Of-Things-But-I’m-REALLY-Failing-Right-Now blanket, I just decided to voice my concerns, put them out there in the universe and tell my friend of my colossal freak out.  I just emailed her a list of all my worries, no matter how ugly, stupid, insane, unfounded, or irrational they are.  And with a few words from her, they all vanished.  It’s going to be okay.  Hell, it’s going to be MORE than okay – it’s gonna be awesome!

In the past, I would have turned into a raging cow over this stuff.  I would have cried and screamed and freaked out and convinced myself that it couldn’t happen and then I’d be building resentments for feeling trapped and isolated and .. and … and … well, you know.  It would have been ugly.  All because I have spent the better part of my life afraid to be vulnerable, to admit that I don’t have it all going on, all together, that i need help.  Somewhere along the way I learned the lesson that I had to be Amazingwoman.  That lesson has served me very very poorly indeed for close to 25 years.  Amazing how being incredibly uncomfortable can be comfortable.

I’m learning that I’m human and that’s okay.  It’s okay to be honest about my short comings.  It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to reach out and tell my truth and ask for help.  I’m also learning that it makes me so much happier to turn it all over, to give it up, to relinquish the illusion of control.  I’m learning that I love myself more when I let others love me.  I’m learning that by being human, I allow others to be human.  By being flawed, I’m more approachable.  I’m learning that honesty and vulnerability is the ultimate strength.  I’m shedding that hard, impenetrable outer shell and what I’m finding underneath is the most beautifully cracked and broken, perfectly imperfect soul.

Honestly.

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Cycles

October 26, 2007

It’s getting colder.  Down into the 40s at night.  The sun sets earlier and rises later.  I walk Hank in the dark in the mornings.  It’s raining a lot.  We’re wearing a lot more clothes.

Putting on my layers this morning made me feel as if I was winding myself up in a cocoon.  Layer of lace, layer of cotton, layer of wool.    I hold the layers close to me, wrap them tightly around me.  I feel the warmth, the smoothness, the beauty and function.  They are my protection -protection from cold, from discomfort, from exposure.  They keep me safe and warm and together so that all my insides can keep doing their jobs.

I kind of cocoon myself every Autumn.  I realized it this morning – I have a very specific pattern.  Starting in the Autumn, I find myself withdrawing into myself.  I feel the need to focus internally and on my family.  I feel the need to be home,  to rid myself of the minutia that tries to force itself deep into our lives without invitation, to choose my words and my actions very carefully – almost as if using any energy unnecessarily is detrimental to me. 

I do a lot of inner work during the colder months.  I discover what parts of me I like and what parts need some work.  I think about my children and my husband and the family we make together.  I think about where I have been and where I want to go.  I think about what I’ve learned and what lessons need to revisit me a few more times.  I think about nourishment nearly continually – nourishment of the body, of the mind, of the heart, of the soul.  I eat a lot of soup – some with my mouth, most with my mind.

I do this every year.  In the past, I have thought something was “wrong” with me when I started to step out of my active social life.  I used to term it “Seasonal Depression,” this need to stay in, stay warm, stay with my family.  I used to think it was something that needed fixing.  And that was the problem.  Buddhists believe that life is suffering – it’s the attempt to avoid suffering that equals pain and misery.  It’s actually a much deeper and more complicated theory than I care to expound on here, but what sounds like a decision to give up and live a life of misery is actually the door to complete happiness.  This morning, putting on my jeans, my camisole, my long sleeved shirt, my sweater, I allowed myself to see the open door and I stepped right through.

I need to bunker down.  I need to semi-isolate myself and do all the introspection that I do during the Autumn and Winter.  I need to do it for the Spring, when I start peeling off the layers, when I start coming out of the cocoon, when I emerge lighter, more beautiful than before.    Then I will fly again.