Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

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If it ain’t broken…

March 1, 2009

I’ve been doing some shopping lately.  I don’t buy myself clothes very often, but when I do, I do it in mass quantities.  It used to be that I wanted really high end  stuff and would buy things that I thought fit the bill and spend lots of money on things … only to try them on a thousand times at home and dismiss them because they didn’t fit just right, the color was a little off, it was impractical.  I wasted several thousands of dollars over the years buying things that I thought I should like, I should wear, I should have, only to donate them to the Salvation Army with the tags still attached (keeping the reciepts is kind of a new thing to me … go figure.)  Eventually I realized that I live in jeans, cargo pants, yoga pants,  long sleeved tshirts, tank tops, and skirts I make myself.  I don’t need to have black chinos because I don’t wear black chinos.  I don’t need 4 pair of khaki pants because I don’t even wear the one pair I like.  And did I really think I was going to wear that floor length green silk thing I got a size too big because it was on sale for 75% off?  ugh.  The transition to a more sane approach to shopping has been awhile coming and has come in steps.  Currently, I’m a recovering shopping bulemic (B’s term.)  I buy things and then return them the next day (see … saving recipts.)  Or I’ll walk around a store for hours carrying things I intend to buy and then put them all back right before leaving and buy something else entirely.  I’m a work in progress.

I write all this about shopping because I realize that there is very important message under it all.  I do it because, like I said, I think I SHOULD have, wear, buy, own, look good in, feel good in, want to wear xyz.  SHOULD.  I’m shoulding all over myself.   (I mention shopping, but this really applies to everything  – shopping, eating, reading, sleeping, exercising, socializing, etc.) Why?  Because I have a hard time accepting who I really am.   Or, well, I did.  I’m getting much much better about it.

What is this thing with self acceptance? Why is it so hard?  Why do we feel that we are not good enough AS IS?  How many billions of dollars are spent every year on weight loss products, anti aging products, self help products, squeeze-and-hammer-and-chisle-yourself-into-someone-else’s-mold products?  Why do we spend so much time and money and energy and thought into changing ourselves when we don’t even know who-what-how we are in the first place?  It’s almost as if, in this society anyway, our default mindset is “deficit.”  It’s like we automatically believe, feel, think that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing or changing or SHOULD be different.  It’s just so heartbreaking.  We are all good enough, worthy enough, delicious enough, simply enough – just as we are.  Yes, of course, there are all things that we can work towards and add to our lives, but let it be that -adding to ourselves, not FIXING ourselves.  After all, there is nothing broken.

“The fruit of self-understanding is self acceptance. The fruit of self acceptance is self-love. The fruit of self-love is love for the world. The fruit of love for the world is service to the world. The fruit of service to the world is peace”Russell Rowe

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Hello there, Summer!

May 26, 2008

Last week it was cold. Seriously. It rained all week and got down into the 40s at night. Yesterday brought Summer – almost 90 degrees, I think, and air so thick you could stir it with a spoon. Welcome to the Midwest.

The camping trip last week was remarkably fabulous. Seriously, I think it may have been my 2nd favorite camping trip of my life – the first being when B and I canoed across a lake and bushwhacked a clearing for our tent and camped primitively sans kids. Last week was fantastic camping – kids were thrilled and helpful, Hank was Zen, B was in a great mood, and we didn’t leave anything at home! Hank stayed the whole time, a might sight better than previous attempts that were aborted after he barked for a solid hour and I ended up taking him home. He roamed the woods. He carried firewood. He lay by my side in the dirt and warmed himself at the fire. It got much colder that night than we expected and had some rather frantic moments while rearranging sleeping locations at 2 in the morning, but you just cannot beat warming yourself by a fire late at night and early in the morning when it’s cold out there. Much preferable to need the fire to stay cozy than to need it to control the bugs. I’m sure we’ll be repeating again soon.

JP came up Saturday night and we had a great time – and awesome sushi.  It’s a shame how quickly one can spend $30 on sushi without even realizing it.   Can’t wait to do it again!

I went shopping yesterday to get some new stuff for the gym.  It’s so strange – a few months ago, I thought I had plenty of stuff for the gym.  I was dead wrong.  I didn’t have hardly anything!  Old, ragged, tired yoga pants have have seen a few too many sun salutations and run ins with Rodney Yee, a few t-shirts, some tired sneakers.  But hell, it’s a gym, right?  How often do you need gym clothes?  Apparently, if you’re me, you need gym clothes 5 or days a week.  I’m hooked!  As B says, “The gym is your fishing!”  How right he is.  So I went and bought some high end sports bras (if you know me you know why I need the high end ones,) some new workout pants, a few work out t-shirts (special material for those of us who sweat like stuck pigs while burning calories and building muscle mass,) and two pair of these:

It really is an atrocious picture – who the hell stands like that and looks like that?  Pshaw.  In case it doesn’t show properly, it’s like skorts (skirt with shorts under) but it’s specifically made for working out.  I don’t know why and I cannot figure it out for the life of me because it doesn’t make sense, but I really like these things a thousand times better than shorts.  I got these funky black ones with a zebra stripe short underneath and then some crazy gray ones that look either like they have flying birds all over them or it’s some sort of gray scale psychedelic camo.  Regardless, I’m happy with them.

But most importantly, however, I needed better shoes.  The ones I’d been wearing were wayyyyyy cheap to begin with and had no real support even in the beginning – imagine their condition after a year or more.  GAH!  I spent an hour or more trying on a zillion pair of shoes and finally found a pair that really felt supportive, had great reviews, plenty of mesh for ventilation, excellent support, and they looked kind of fun!  I was quite proud of my choice when I discovered that they are the same shoe JM Bill wears and that freak has been running for decades!  Let me introduce to you my new feet – Asics Gel-240 TRs:

I used to think it was impossible to fight while listening to The Grateful Dead.  I was wrong.  My kids have it mastered.

I have dropped 100+ pounds of stress, pain, anxiety, frustration, rage, and worry and have never ever felt better.  I will never pick it up again.  I have even told the folks who have held that weight with me that I would no longer be carrying any part of it, won’t even talk about that weight, and don’t bother telling me about the weight because I don’t care – it doesn’t exist to me anymore.  VIVA EMPOWERMENT!  Amazing how locking a door behind you can open a whole world ahead of you and I’m focusing on just that – the world ahead of me!

I’m addicted to Cesar Millan.  I don’t see any problem with that.  And neither does Hank.

I never knew how much boys eat.  Seriously.  My kids are growing like weeds and every week we run out of groceries sooner and sooner.  WTF?  Pretty soon they are gonna have to either learn to garden or eat air ’cause I’m running out of options!  HOLY CRACKBALLS, the baby out eats me and he’s 6!

Yes, Crackballs is a technical term.

I’m detoxing this week – no caffeine, no booze, nothing.  My cells feel gunky.  I’ll be really interested to see how this affects my workouts this week.  I’m assuming they will be nicely steamed hardcore with a side order of kick ass and some C’mon-Just-Ten-More sorbet for dessert.  I feel badly for my shower and my washing machines – they are gonna be taking a beating.  I’m gonna be dowsing myself in Fabreeze.  Consider yourself warned.

I’m hungry.  Think I’m gonna go eat a peach.

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Money 101 Mamakohl Style

January 12, 2008

I think I’m gonna need more coffee.

It’s been a very interesting couple of weeks here at Casa de la Mamakohl.  B cut his finger which resulted in a rather large unexpected expense.  That came directly on the heels of our washing machine shooting craps and thus needing a new one (read: another large unexpected expense.)  To say money has been tight is kind of like saying I’m somewhat liberal. Bwahahahahahhahah.  For the first time in ages and ages, my checking account got overdrawn.  Not by much, but enough to make me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.  Eh, well, it was only like that for about 2 days – all is taken care of now and I’m like Amy Winehouse without the heroin – I’m back in black.   It’s times like these that make me so glad that I come from people who know how to make a whole lot out of nothing – I’m a freaking culinary McGuyver.   Anyway, moving on …  In regards to this financial squeeze, I sat down this morning with a cup of coffee, my bills, a calculator, and a grocery list.  I crunched some numbers and talked it over with B and had everything budgeted out and by the time I lay my head down tonight, the house will be filled with food, the bills will be paid, and we’ll be able to laugh and  say, “WHEW!  Those 2 weeks were a real bitch, eh?”

So, why am I writing this here?  Because I need these reminders to myself.  B is always telling me to not stress out because, “It’ll work out, Baby.  It always does.”  And he’s right – it always does.   Always.  I think the reason it works out, however, isn’t because we are blessed or lucky or have tons of money (oh lord, that made me laugh so hard I peed a little,) – I think it’s because B and I don’t believe in hiding from the uglies.  We talk about money.  We put it out there, discuss what we need, what we have, and we plan.  It wasn’t always like this – I used to run from financial conversations.  I used to hide and freak out and throw out bills unopened.  And he used to have to scrape and hunt and peck and do whatever the hell he did to cover up for my denial.  Talk about unfair.  About 4 years ago, I brought my head out of the sand, grew a set, and decided to make a change.  And oh what a change it has made in our lives.  Bills get opened and paid.  We budget together.  We plan together.  We earmark nearly every nickel and dime.  And mostly, we have a little extra for simple pleasures.  Occasionally we have the unexpected expense that makes things tight, but those are rare and when they do happen, we know it’s gonna be okay.  I’m so happy for our lack of “financial infidelity,” but I know it wasn’t always like that and I know how easy it would be to go back there.  And that is why I write this shiz down here – ’cause it’s my blog and I need the reminders.  As they say, when in doubt, tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.