Archive for January, 2008


Dude, get outta my head, lolcat

January 31, 2008

funny pictures
moar funny pictures


Something ELSE to look forward to!

January 31, 2008

You know, ’cause tax refunds, Valentine’s Day, Anniversary, Overnight Dates, etc., aren’t enough …

After looking at wireless routers as though they were Johnny Depp porn dipped in Chocolate and served with a side of Bobby Cake and drizzled with Bombay Sapphire, I decided it was time to take the plunge.  Hey, I have 2 gadgets already that need really would benefit from wireless (my iTouch and the Wii,) and I have a zillion friends with laptops that the bring with them and i eventually will end up with a Mac Book (and yes, I’ve been lusting after the Air, too, but without a disc drive, I’m not sure it’s worth it — yea, there’s external drives, but now I’m off topic…) it just seems like it’s time.

So after researching (’cause I’m a geek like that,) I actually discovered that it makes more sense to just get the router from my ISP instead of purchasing one individually from a store.  It’s coming Monday!!!

I’m going to be completely worthless for awhile.


January 30, 2008

It was only a matter of time


This is an intervention. We need your help.

January 29, 2008

This is what Duck came to my office to tell me.  The boys were putting away laundry and couldn’t tell who owned the grey sweatpants.

“It’s a serious problem, Mom. This is an intervention, we need your help”

And upstairs we go and I determine that they are, in fact, Stealth’s sweat pants.  As I leave the room, I hear Duck:

“See Stealth, I told you.”



Long time no blog

January 29, 2008

Life happens, you know?

I’ve been working a lot on body acceptance lately and honoring my body and it’s inherent wisdom.  I’ve been learning to love soft, to love my curves, to love me as I am.  And frankly, I’m pretty damned amazing.  😀

I had a house guest over the weekend.   Jason came to visit for a couple of days and we had great time!  Pizza, beer, tattoos, movies, music, Wii, talking, hanging, living, learning, laughing.  It was lovely and wonderful and it should happen much more often.  I learned something about myself during his visit, though, that has been kind of hard to swallow: I like being settled.  I used to think that being settled = being dead.  Now I kind of think that being unsettled = too much work.  I like my family. I like my husband.  I like my bed.  I like sleeping.  Don’t get me wrong – I like to go out and have fun just as I always have – I just like to do it as a 31 year old instead of a 21 year old.  I’m good with it.  This has nothing at all to do with my guest – I just realized that there was a day when we’d have stayed out until 4 am painting the town purple.  I’m sure he would have liked to do that this weekend – I just couldn’t.  I’m old, whatever.

I got this 70s music set from the library and I honestly don’t know how I lived without it.  I listen to it all the damned time, it’s clearly most played on my iTouch, I lurve it so much.  It reminds me of college.  I used to live in the same floor of my college dorm  as my high school buddy, CTodd (and with Jason, too – that’s how we met.)   M-F, I would go to CTodd’s room at 4:00 to smoke, drink, and watch 90210.  I know I know.  I cannot believe it either, but we would watch and make snarky comments and it was the best part of my day (I said DAY, not night — that’s another post.)  ANYWAY, for a full year, the same commercial would come on at 4:37 – a commercial for The Sounds of the 70’s. To this day, I can sing the entire commercial from beginning to end and this set that I got from the library has all those songs on it PLUS MORE!!  Seriously, I cannot believe how wonderful it is.  And get this – while Jason here, he left me copies of 6 80s music cds.  I swear to maude, I’m in retro music ecstasy!

I had a terrible experience yesterday – my iTouch crashed. I noticed that it wouldn’t sync properly over the weekend and kept “timing out.”  I hunted and researched and couldn’t find out what the hell it meant.  So I bought and loaded up the January optional update (so worth it, btw,) and still it was fucking up.  Seriously fucking up. My computer wouldn’t recognize it, it wouldn’t sync.  It wouldn’t do anything.  So I called the local Apple store and spoke to this really fly gal and she suggested restoring it to it it’s factory settings and if that didn’t work, I should send it in.  Okay, insert panic attack here – being without the Touch is like being without my feet. So I try to restore it, expecting to lose everything I’ve put in there on my calendar, my contacts, my pictures, my lists, my web bookmarks, all of it.  So I restore it … but even that doesn’t work.  So I called the 1-800 Apple tech support and some guy named Dana answers and we work through a bunch of options and still nothing.  I’m about ready to go insane and he says, “Ohhhhhhhh you know, there’s something else we can try — do you have a printer hooked up to your computer?”  Yes, yes I do!  So we unplugged the computer and ZINGO – it works.  Crazy printer, it’s super amazing, but it interferes with damned near everything else.  Regardless, it starts to restore and restore it does!  And imagine my glee when iTunes asks me if I want to restore from the Sass backup! I didn’t lose a single thing. YIPPEE YEHAW, Ya’ll.

I’m currently Kung Fu Fighting

I did our taxes last week – actually I did them Saturday morning!  State refund is being deposited tomorrow, Federal refund deposited next week.  I love this time of year.  It’s like being underwater for more than you can stand and then you come up for air and take that first glorious, overwhelming, lung busting breath and the world spins with colors and peace.  It always comes just in time for my anniversary, everyone’s birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and patio beer drinking season.  Sometimes it pays big to earn very little.

Took Hankybritches to the dog park yesterday and that fool dog fell through the ice a zillion times.  He kept doing it.  I mean, he fell completely under – head and all.  Dork.  But he had a great time and has been a Zen master since.

I have to fess up, I like junk food.  I hate the way it makes my body feel afterwards, so I don’t eat much of it, but oh holy smokes, I do loves me some junk food.

Sticking your head in the sand is only gonna get what’s left of your brains eaten by sand fleas.  Just saying.

I’m so lucky – my MIL just emailed to say, “We want to keep the boys overnight again this week.  I’ll be in touch with you. I’m assuming that you don’t mind?”  Yep – I hit the MIL jackpot.

Shaft! He’s a bad mutha – shut yo mouth!

My mom is watching the boys overnight on my wedding anniversary.  I’m really looking forward to it.  For some reason, B and I always spend our anniversary with 2(JP.)  It’s always a hoot – so much fun!  I’m hoping they can line up childcare — it’s kind of iffy right now.  Fingers crossed.

Gotta get in the shower – grocery shopping calls.


What he said

January 27, 2008

I’m not a huge fan of Montel Williams, but I think this is just fucking brilliant.

RIP Heath — and everyone else.


Tighter than a drum

January 26, 2008

is the phrase that I would most use to describe my sphincter – I just filed our taxes.



January 23, 2008

Beer drinking will commence at exactly 12 noon today.  All are welcome to join me wherever you are (no, you’re not coming to my house – unless you bring beer to share or you are Vince Vaughn.)

Beer drinking will end …. oh how about Saturday?

Don’t judge me, folks.  It’s turning out to be a shitatastic week.


Check this happy happy stuff out!

January 21, 2008

Caretakers, lawbreakers: Center delivers babies legally


COLUMBIA, MO. — Midwife Ivy White writes the names on a
dry-erase board of the dozen clients expected to visit the Columbia
Community Birth Center. It’s a Thursday, the one day each week when the
midwives hold appointments with new and expecting mothers.

White sets out the almonds, papayas and crackers on this day in late August. She lights candles.

In her office, she takes a blue marker and adds teardrops to a pregnant
Statue of Liberty she had drawn on a calendar next to Aug. 28, which
was supposed to be the first day that midwives without nursing degrees
could practice legally in Missouri. A judge struck down the law three
weeks before.

“Midwives are still not free,” White writes next to Lady Liberty.

The birth center is a low-tech independent

facility for women with low-risk pregnancies, the only one in Missouri
and Illinois. It’s also the only place where non-nurse midwives can
legally care for women. The reason: The center’s director is a family
physician who must oversee the midwives’ nearly every move.

“I just show up so a felony does not happen, and no one goes to jail,” the doctor says.

The two midwives at the center, White, 53, and Kim James, 45, have
delivered hundreds of babies safely without a doctor’s supervision. And
yet in Missouri, they must defer to the doctor, who attends their
appointments, monitors clients’ health and catches the babies at birth.

“We just work as like her assistants, basically that’s just what we
legally are,” White says. “The fact that we’re midwives and know what
we’re doing just makes it all that much more handy for her.”

Missouri and Illinois are among 13 states that prohibit or outlaw
midwives without nursing degrees, forcing those midwives to provide
home births in secrecy. If caught, they could be charged with a felony
in Missouri, a misdemeanor in Illinois.


While White and James are thankful to work without the threat of arrest, they envy the freedom of their underground cohorts.

“We could have so much greater leeway as far as how to meet the
needs of women in Missouri wanting a natural childbirth,” White says.
“It’s not that we don’t know how.”


Clients at the birth center must schedule their prenatal and postpartum
visits on Thursdays because that’s the only day the doctor is
available. Dr. Elizabeth Allemann, a family physician for over 17
years, also maintains a separate family practice, so her time is

Allemann gathers with the other midwives before the clients arrive. She
remarks how this was supposed to be the first day the midwives could
have served women on their own. She gives each of them a hug, but they
don’t sulk for long. The center quickly fills with women holding their
round bellies or tiny newborns.

The last appointment is Rebecca Oliger, 40, of Hallsville, Mo. — four
days away from her due date with her third child. James helped deliver
Oliger’s first two children, ages 15 and 12. She will be with Oliger
for her third birth, too.

James enters the room to meet with her; Alleman trails behind.

“I’m ready for this baby to come,” says Oliger, tired and uncomfortable.

Her blood pressure is a bit high. James tells her to slow down and stop
working at her yarn shop. She encourages Oliger to be patient and gets
her to smile by joking about her baby possibly arriving on Labor Day.

It was a light moment during a day James expected would be
disappointing. She had a feeling that the state doctors groups would
win their court challenge against the law legalizing midwifery. After
20 years of trying to get legislation passed, she admits she’s tired of
the fight.

“I’ve just kind of surrendered to the fact that that’s how it is in Missouri,” she says.

About 200 birthing centers operate across the United States. They are
usually staffed by midwives with a hospital and a doctor on call in
case of emergency. Several centers — from inner-city to rural areas —
have been recognized for outstanding health outcomes. Illinois recently
passed legislation to allow for the opening this year of 10 birth
centers headed by physicians. None are yet in the works.

“All the other states around us had them,” says state Sen. John
Cullerton, D-Chicago, a sponsor of the bill. “It just became so

Many birth centers are staffed with non-nurse midwives like James and
White. They are direct-entry midwives, those who learn midwifery
through apprenticeship or a midwifery school distinct from nursing.
Midwives believe that pregnancy and birth don’t have to be medical
events. They are trained to care for low-risk pregnancies and refer
women with more complications to an obstetrician.

James, who attended a federally certified midwifery school in Texas,
says modern maternity care has diminished women’s knowledge and belief
in their bodies’ ability to birth.

“It is important to me because birth holds the potential to be a very
positive and powerful female experience,” she says. “Every woman
deserves the right to that option.”

White followed a group of midwives in the Midwest for three years.
Then, she apprenticed for another three years at a birth center that
served mostly Mennonites. White says she strives to welcome babies in a
gentle environment. She talks to newborns during their first minutes,
and sometimes, she says, they look back at her and smile.

“If you fill a room up with fear,” White says, “that’s what a baby gets born into.”

White and James have delivered more than 400 babies each, many on their
own. In the early 1990s, they were sought to help develop standards for
the Certified Professional Midwife, the only international credential
that tests knowledge and skills in out-of-hospital births. They were
among the first to earn the credential.

Twenty-two states have used the CPM credential to legalize and regulate
non-nurse midwives. Similar legislation is in the works in 19 states,
including Missouri and Illinois.

Several doctors groups still oppose midwives. They say doctors and
nurses are the only ones qualified to supervise even a low-risk birth.

“If you want to deliver babies, then go to school, get your education
and get your appropriate training,” says Dr. Gordon Goldman, chair of
the Missouri section of American College of Obstetrician and
Gynecologists. “There is no substitute for and no shortcut to patient

The court case that struck down the Missouri law is expected to be
heard before the state Supreme Court this spring. Whatever the
decision, both sides expect another battle over midwife legislation.

The debate will likely center on two demands by doctors — that midwives
have a signed collaborative practice agreement, whereby a physician
agrees to work with the midwife in some capacity, as well as
malpractice insurance. Midwives say both would be difficult, if not
impossible, to obtain.

“Hopefully, the medical opposition groups will realize that they have to compromise,” White says.

Missouri Sen. John Loudon, R-Chesterfield, who is leading the
legislative effort to legalize midwifery, said he plans to introduce a
bill this week to license and regulate midwives. The only thing he
fears is a repeat of last year’s threatened filibuster.

“I’m cautiously optimistic because we certainly have the level of
legislative support for this,” Loudon said. “It’s just a question
whether a powerful interest group is going to prevent a vote in the
Senate again.”

COST: ABOUT $3,800

The birth center in Columbia sits on a corner of a strip of office
buildings near the University of Missouri, less than two miles from a
major hospital. Inside are two large, private birthing rooms equipped
with deep tubs, separate bathrooms with showers and a twin day bed. A
poster with the words “Peace on Earth, Begins with Birth” hangs on the
lavender walls. The only medical equipment is blood pressure cuffs,
stethescopes, fetal heart-rate monitors and oxygen tanks.

White leads the tours with potential clients. She starts by asking
couples why they are interested in an out-of-hospital birth. “Then I
don’t have to say anything for the next 20 minutes,” she says. “I just
listen to their stories.”

Most of the pregnant women who use the center believe that giving birth
with no medical intervention is safest for them and their babies. Half
of the clients decide to birth at home with the center’s staff after
they realize there is little difference between a birthing room and
their own bedroom.

Danielle Blakemore, 34, is a nurse from Columbia who had her last two
children at the birth center. She says she appreciates the thorough,
hourlong prenatal appointments, the chance to really get to know her
providers, as well as the encouraging atmosphere during her labors.

“I want a doctor I know I can trust and will follow through with what I
say,” she said, noting that she didn’t have that feeling when she gave
birth to her first two children in a hospital.

Parents must learn everything from nutritional requirements to needed
birth supplies to the process for emergency hospital transfers. They
are expected to participate in monthly group prenatal visits and
childbirth classes. The total cost is about $3,800, about half the
average cost of an uncomplicated pregnancy and hospital birth,
according the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

The conversation turns serious during White’s tours, as parents
struggle with making the right birthing decision. White talks straight
about the reality of birth — the risks, both real and perceived.

“People who don’t know a lot about birth think a hundred things could
go wrong, when really there are just a handful of things that are
life-threatening, and out of those, even fewer that are immediate,”
White says. “We don’t have an operating room and a blood bank down the
hall, and if you’re OK with that, then this is the place for you.”


Allemann calls midwives her most valuable teachers. They helped her
overcome what she describes as her own ignorance about birth.

During her residency at the University of Missouri in the late ’80s,
she was approached by midwives who were seeking a friendly face when
their clients intending to birth at home needed to transfer to the

Allemann agreed, believing she could convince them that their ways were
dangerous. But slowly, one birth at a time, it was Alleman who changed
her mind.

“It became obvious to me that families who wanted to have babies at
home were familiar with the scientific evidence, and physicians who
wanted them in the hospital weren’t,” Allemann said. “I had to admit
that the science was on their side, and justice was on their side, and
personal freedom was on their side.”

Soon after completing her residency, the doctor opened the first birth
center — Cherchez La Femme — in Columbia in 1990. In the beginning, she
insisted on buying a radiant warmer because she couldn’t imagine
examining the baby while in the arms of its mother. She had to sit on
her hands to keep herself from reaching for the bulb syringe to suction
the baby right after birth.

“I’m an M.D., but I’ve recovered from my medical training,” Allemann jokes.

She operated the center along with other midwives (including James)
until 1997, when she decided to take a break and close it. Another
physician opened the Whole Health Family Birth Center in 2000 to meet
growing demand. She left a year ago, and Allemann agreed to take over
in January 2007, changing the name and applying for nonprofit status.

A week ago, her Internet site was up and running for her new
organization, Physicians for Missouri Midwives. So far, there are nine

“I wanted to try to create a little bit of credibility for physicians
who support midwives,” she said. “There seems to be a perception in the
Legislature that all doctors think midwives are dangerous, except for
that crazy Dr. Allemann in Columbia.”


The mornings are chilly at the birthing center. White sets out hot tea
or apple cider, and apples and trail mix. She turns on the fireplace in
the lobby.

Since August, about 10 women have had babies at the center. If White
and the other midwives had been legal, they could have attended to
laboring moms and delivered the babies without calling Allemann.

Basically, they could be true midwives, providing births on the mother’s terms.

White recalled a pregnant woman from St. Louis who had turned to the
birthing center. The expectant mother had her previous children with
midwives in Europe and Florida. She wanted the same experience again.

After nine months of prenatal care at the center, she decided the
restrictions were too much. She didn’t want to drive to the center for
her birth. She didn’t want a doctor there.

White could hear crying in the background when her husband called to
say they wouldn’t return. The woman ended up having her baby at home.
White believes it was with an underground midwife.

Weeks later, it still bothers White that she couldn’t be there for the
mother. She wants to call, but she’s not sure the woman wants to talk
to her. “It’s frustrating when your job is to care for a woman in a
holistic and loving way, and then not being able to do that.”

James and White say they want to be legalized, not just for their own
freedom, but the freedom for a mother to choose her own birth

White remembers the saying she wrote on her calendar. She thinks of her
client from St. Louis. After a few moments, she changes her mind:

“It’s the women who are still not free.”


Help Xenu Help You

January 19, 2008

Tom Cruise = fucked up. If you didn’t see the 9 minute Scientology vid that leaked online this week, you’ve missed some of the most disturbing shit that ever hit these fine interwebs. It’s gone now – ripped off the www by Tom the Bot. I’m sure you can still find tons of parodies out there, though.


This article showed up on Radar Online

Clearly, my thetans are all screwed up. I routinely make planets radioactive.

Has Tom Cruise Ever Tried to Give Sanity A Bad Name?

How did Tom Cruise transform himself from struggling young actor to Scientology god?
With help from the Church of Scientology’s “SEC WHOLE TRACK”
questionnaire, that’s how. The internal church document was developed
by Scientology founder and onetime science fiction writer L. Ron
Hubbard for use during “auditing” sessions—you know, the ones designed
to identify your trapped “thetans.”

The “thetans,” or alien ghosts, were implanted in Earth’s volcanoes
75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu, until the
nasty buggers escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of
us. New recruits like Katie Holmes, or “preclears,”
answer the questions while hooked up to an E-meter—a crude,
polygraph-like contraption—as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the
subject’s responses for further expensive inquiry.
Radar excerpted the best of the list’s 343 questions. Here’s a verbatim sampling.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?

• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?

• Have you ever been a professional critic?

• Have you ever wiped out a family?

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?

• Have you ever been a pimp?

• Have you ever eaten a human body?

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

• Have you ever exterminated a species?

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?

• Have you given robots a bad name?

• Have you ever set a booby trap?

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

• Have you driven anyone insane?

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?

• Is anybody looking for you?

• Have you ever set a poor example?

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

• Are you in hiding?

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

• Have you ever gone crazy?

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

• Have you ever smothered a baby?

• Do you deserve to have any friends?

• Have you ever castrated anyone?

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

• Have you ever zapped anyone?

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?