Posts Tagged ‘growth’

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If it ain’t broken…

March 1, 2009

I’ve been doing some shopping lately.  I don’t buy myself clothes very often, but when I do, I do it in mass quantities.  It used to be that I wanted really high end  stuff and would buy things that I thought fit the bill and spend lots of money on things … only to try them on a thousand times at home and dismiss them because they didn’t fit just right, the color was a little off, it was impractical.  I wasted several thousands of dollars over the years buying things that I thought I should like, I should wear, I should have, only to donate them to the Salvation Army with the tags still attached (keeping the reciepts is kind of a new thing to me … go figure.)  Eventually I realized that I live in jeans, cargo pants, yoga pants,  long sleeved tshirts, tank tops, and skirts I make myself.  I don’t need to have black chinos because I don’t wear black chinos.  I don’t need 4 pair of khaki pants because I don’t even wear the one pair I like.  And did I really think I was going to wear that floor length green silk thing I got a size too big because it was on sale for 75% off?  ugh.  The transition to a more sane approach to shopping has been awhile coming and has come in steps.  Currently, I’m a recovering shopping bulemic (B’s term.)  I buy things and then return them the next day (see … saving recipts.)  Or I’ll walk around a store for hours carrying things I intend to buy and then put them all back right before leaving and buy something else entirely.  I’m a work in progress.

I write all this about shopping because I realize that there is very important message under it all.  I do it because, like I said, I think I SHOULD have, wear, buy, own, look good in, feel good in, want to wear xyz.  SHOULD.  I’m shoulding all over myself.   (I mention shopping, but this really applies to everything  – shopping, eating, reading, sleeping, exercising, socializing, etc.) Why?  Because I have a hard time accepting who I really am.   Or, well, I did.  I’m getting much much better about it.

What is this thing with self acceptance? Why is it so hard?  Why do we feel that we are not good enough AS IS?  How many billions of dollars are spent every year on weight loss products, anti aging products, self help products, squeeze-and-hammer-and-chisle-yourself-into-someone-else’s-mold products?  Why do we spend so much time and money and energy and thought into changing ourselves when we don’t even know who-what-how we are in the first place?  It’s almost as if, in this society anyway, our default mindset is “deficit.”  It’s like we automatically believe, feel, think that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing or changing or SHOULD be different.  It’s just so heartbreaking.  We are all good enough, worthy enough, delicious enough, simply enough – just as we are.  Yes, of course, there are all things that we can work towards and add to our lives, but let it be that -adding to ourselves, not FIXING ourselves.  After all, there is nothing broken.

“The fruit of self-understanding is self acceptance. The fruit of self acceptance is self-love. The fruit of self-love is love for the world. The fruit of love for the world is service to the world. The fruit of service to the world is peace”Russell Rowe

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Getting better all the time

August 24, 2008

Sunday morning in a quiet house.  B is out fishing with the boys, Hank is somewhere snoring and drooling on the floor, and I’m sitting here drinking coffee and listening to Feist.  I have been feeling some pressure to write here, but I have no idea why.  Maybe because I’m feeling like maybe it’s time to say goodbye to this blog for awhile.   Maybe I just need to say goodbye to the idea of writing for other people’s eyes.  Maybe I need to say hello to writing only for myself.  Mostly, though, I think I just need to say goodbye to expectations -my own and others’.

Things are not as they once were. Things are vastly different in my life these days and I’ve become almost unrecognizable.  Oh sure, I look the same on the outside, but if you talk to me for 15 minutes, you’ll wonder who I am.  If you live with me, you’ll wonder where I went.  You’d see that I do almost everything differently, I see everything differently: I breathe difference, I dance change, I eat growth, I drip serenity, and I sing acceptance … most of the time.  Sometimes I slip.  Sometimes I falter.  Sometimes I crash and bleed.  The difference, however, is that while I used to sit there and wallow in my blood and self hatred for “failing,” I now reach out for a hand up, I laugh at the funny way my body landed at the bottom of the steps, and I’m gentle with myself as I start to climb again.  And I always start to climb again, one step at a time.

Some of you know the change in me.  Some of you know how the change is coming, what steps I’m taking.  It’s a big deal.  It’s a life long journey, a choice every day.  I’m actually considering starting another blog to write about this journey I’m on, but am not sure about that, so I’m gonna sit on it a for awhile.  I have spoken to someone who is also on this journey with me and she mentioned that she likes to read about it here.  Maybe I will keep it here, I’m not sure.  Right now it seems fragile, private, my own, and it’s just such a vast departure from the unhealthy, sick, damaged ways of a thousand yesterdays that I wonder if opening it up to others eyes will reinforce it or cause me pause and doubt.  The answer will come and I just have to have faith.

Progress not perfection

I am approaching a place in the road where I will be saying goodbye to some things, hello to some, and hello again to yet others (both externally and internally.)  I see it, I feel it, I taste it.  It is right there in front of me and I’m standing here awaiting the clue to take that step.  Interesting thing is this – I am continuing to walk and with every step I take, that place in the road comes along with me! It’s like it just sort of comes along beside me and wherever I happen to be, it’s just off to the side.  This is a blissful feeling for me because I know that there is no rush to step into that spot, it will be there whenever I am ready and it doesn’t halt my progress along the way that I am not ready just yet.

I have some things in my life that I’ve never had before – a Gathering Of Divinity, a Guide, and a whole community of folks who love me – not in spite of my imperfections, but because of them – because, frankly, they have them, too.  Because of these things and people and energy, I can say what my imperfections are and not only accept them, but love them.  And because I can love my imperfections and love myself with my imperfections, I’m learning acceptance, tolerance, and love for the imperfections in others as well.  Huge thing for me.  Don’t get me wrong, though – this does not mean that I am an open field for the play of unacceptable things.  It does not mean that I am allowing myself to accept unacceptable behavior or things from others.  I am setting boundaries left and right, but they are boundaries, not barriers. My guide tells me that this is growth.  I believe her.

Peace, love, hope, serenity.  Laughter, healing, faith, fellowship.  Powerlessness = empowerment.

I’m getting better all the time.

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And even more great stuff!

July 15, 2008

I stumbled across a great Unschooling Dad’s blog the other day and that, in turn, led me to find The Daily Groove.  Check out today’s Groove:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: The Sticky Speedometer ::

Some years ago, my car’s speedometer developed
a case of sporadic “stickiness.”

The first time it stuck I didn’t know it. I was
driving on a freeway, faithfully checking the
speedometer at regular intervals, and I believed
it was “right” even though my actual speed was
gradually increasing!

** It didn’t occur to me to question the
speedometer’s “authority.” **

Eventually the growing difference between what it was
telling me and the *feeling* of my actual speed made
me realize that the speedometer was stuck — that I’d
have to start relying on my *inner* guidance.

It was disconcerting at first, because I’d always
relied on the external authority, but before too long
I got pretty good at sensing whether I was going too
fast or slow. . . .

Today, let your feelings reveal and replace your
“sticky speedometers” — beliefs, expectations, and
rules that aren’t serving you.

When something looks right but *feels* wrong, be
willing to question even the unquestionable. For
progressive parents, some of the stickiest
speedometers are forms of “parental correctness”
that started as brilliant ideas.

http://dailygroove.net/speedometer

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Pretty darn awesome stuff, eh?  I know my speedometer gets stuck — a lot!

So I get Groovin’ in my inbox every morning.  It helps so much!  Between that, a daily Soulful Living reading, an amazing Unschooling list serve, an online Al-Anon group, and my daily CAL readings, I finally feel like I’m in my own groove with the support and encouragement to continue groovin’ on.

If you like what you read above, consider joining The Daily Groove.  It costs nothing, won’t spam you, and it provides a brief few moments a day to reset your inner parent.  Completely worth it.  Find out more or subscribe  here.