Posts Tagged ‘love’


If it ain’t broken…

March 1, 2009

I’ve been doing some shopping lately.  I don’t buy myself clothes very often, but when I do, I do it in mass quantities.  It used to be that I wanted really high end  stuff and would buy things that I thought fit the bill and spend lots of money on things … only to try them on a thousand times at home and dismiss them because they didn’t fit just right, the color was a little off, it was impractical.  I wasted several thousands of dollars over the years buying things that I thought I should like, I should wear, I should have, only to donate them to the Salvation Army with the tags still attached (keeping the reciepts is kind of a new thing to me … go figure.)  Eventually I realized that I live in jeans, cargo pants, yoga pants,  long sleeved tshirts, tank tops, and skirts I make myself.  I don’t need to have black chinos because I don’t wear black chinos.  I don’t need 4 pair of khaki pants because I don’t even wear the one pair I like.  And did I really think I was going to wear that floor length green silk thing I got a size too big because it was on sale for 75% off?  ugh.  The transition to a more sane approach to shopping has been awhile coming and has come in steps.  Currently, I’m a recovering shopping bulemic (B’s term.)  I buy things and then return them the next day (see … saving recipts.)  Or I’ll walk around a store for hours carrying things I intend to buy and then put them all back right before leaving and buy something else entirely.  I’m a work in progress.

I write all this about shopping because I realize that there is very important message under it all.  I do it because, like I said, I think I SHOULD have, wear, buy, own, look good in, feel good in, want to wear xyz.  SHOULD.  I’m shoulding all over myself.   (I mention shopping, but this really applies to everything  – shopping, eating, reading, sleeping, exercising, socializing, etc.) Why?  Because I have a hard time accepting who I really am.   Or, well, I did.  I’m getting much much better about it.

What is this thing with self acceptance? Why is it so hard?  Why do we feel that we are not good enough AS IS?  How many billions of dollars are spent every year on weight loss products, anti aging products, self help products, squeeze-and-hammer-and-chisle-yourself-into-someone-else’s-mold products?  Why do we spend so much time and money and energy and thought into changing ourselves when we don’t even know who-what-how we are in the first place?  It’s almost as if, in this society anyway, our default mindset is “deficit.”  It’s like we automatically believe, feel, think that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing or changing or SHOULD be different.  It’s just so heartbreaking.  We are all good enough, worthy enough, delicious enough, simply enough – just as we are.  Yes, of course, there are all things that we can work towards and add to our lives, but let it be that -adding to ourselves, not FIXING ourselves.  After all, there is nothing broken.

“The fruit of self-understanding is self acceptance. The fruit of self acceptance is self-love. The fruit of self-love is love for the world. The fruit of love for the world is service to the world. The fruit of service to the world is peace”Russell Rowe


Miracles, Guardian Angels, and M&Ms

September 16, 2008

How do you write about something that has no words?  How do you paint a picture of something that can only be felt?  How do you share miracles that you cannot hold in your hand, gifts that have no wrapping, blessings that circle in the wind?  I dunno, but I’m going to try.

I went on my retreat this past weekend and was transformed beyond measure.  My heart expanded and grew more than the Grinch’s at Christmas.  My soul grew wings.  My eyes opened, my lungs finally drew a full breath, and my mind found peace.    I saw miracles happening left and right.  I felt years of pain and fear leave me and float down a river in a boat of acceptance.  I felt my whole body lift up as Hope flew in with a promise to carry me through anything.  I felt the loving arms of my Gathering Of Divinity wrap around me and say, “Finally you know I will never leave you.”  I left the retreat with 67 guardian angels, fairy godmothers, sisters of the soul.  And I also ate a lot of chocolate.  😉

I now have a clear and open connection to my higher self.

I dance and the Universe dances with me.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I am love and acceptance in motion.

I am a blessing to all those who know me.

I touch those near me with love and gentleness

I am connected to all that is good

I am on the Broad Highway walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

I am a miracle in progress

And so are you.


Life is GOOD*

January 15, 2008

and other little tidbits.

*Not affiliated with the LG company, although they did make my cell phone and I have no real issues with it … no real thrills, either, but that’s not really the point.

 I just have to say right here and now that I’m really loving being a Mom at the moment.  Actually, it’s been building for some time.  My kids are just getting cooler and cooler.  They’ve hit a really fantastic age – Duck is growing and thinking and asking fabulous questions and is just in a mode of huge mental growth –  it’s a joy to just hang with him and listen to what comes out of his head.  Currently, he’s composing a lullaby for Hank and singing it to him in the most loving voice.   Stealth is a boundless bundle of energy and smiles and giggles and the sparkliest eyes I’ve ever seen.  He’s reading fully now and is writing and spelling all the time.  It’s such a hoot to be able to give him a written list of things to get or do and watch him go.  My kids love being alive – I’m learning from them every day.

I fell in love with my husband again last night.  I decided to stop being all freaked out about the details of life and just live it, warts and all.   B’s uncle G came up late last night for a visit.  This is unusual behavior, but you know, why be limited?  We hung out for a long time and laughed and I watched my husband being who he was. I saw him laughing and joking and we all felt relaxed and happy and comfortable just being together.  It’s at times like these that I realize what makes B and I a great couple – we love being together.  We love laughing together and thinking together and talking together.  We’re great friends and so it’s really comfortable for us to hang together with whomever happens to stop by. It was well after midnight by the time G left and after 1 by the time B and I fell asleep.  I woke up early this morning feeling alive and refreshed and reminded of what is and is not important in life.  I feel centered and happy and comfortable being me.

My Mom has been thinking about The Bucket List and I have as well.  She asked me recently what I would put on my list and my immediate answer is the same as it always has been – to ride across the country on my own Harley.  I’ve always wanted my own bike and B and I long ago decided that I’d have one before I die.  It’s a long time dream of mine to hop on and just ride from coast to coast, stopping here and there whenever the urge hits. Sleeping in tents and 5 star hotels alike.  It’s a roadhouse existence and it’s soooooo appealing to me.  Realizing that it is still immediately #1 on my list made me stop to think – does my current life model my list?  HELL NO.  It doesn’t.  I’m living a “drink tea in a museum, knit an afghan from dog hair, and perfect the soft boiled egg**” list kind of life.  SNOOZE. It doesn’t fit me.  Think that’s where my sense of dissatisfaction is coming in.  I’ve been trying to cram my Ernie into a Bert shaped hole (shut it, Mary. It’s not that kind of blog.)  Pretty intense awakening.  It’s going along swimmingly with this book I’m reading: The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning.    JFL, get thyself a copy PDQ.

** Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those things. I love tea and museums, most of my afghans are covered in dog hair anyway so might as well start off there to begin with, and eggs are protein, my preferred food group.  But, you know, it just doesn’t zing of Mamakohl Mojo.

Spring is coming.  Yes, yes I know, it’s only January, but man, it’s COMING.  February is just a hop skip and a jump away. February is: tax refund season (can I get an amen?!!!,) my anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and the shortest freaking month of the year (although it is Leap Year, folks.)  Then comes March and with March comes a zillion and twelve birthdays and St Pats and SPRING!  Spring means camping and BBQs and dog parks and flowers and playing outside and clothes drying on the line and picnics and thunderstorms and beer on the patio and SANDIE’S VISIT!!

I have a couple of trips coming up.  I’m going to go to St. Louis soon for a weekend with JFL and his posse of pervie pretty boys.  I cannot wait.  This trip is one of those “Tentatively scheduled for the weekend when you are most likely to kill someone” kinds of trips which means we might only have like 2 days notice and it might not happen for 6 months or so, but it’s gonna happen and PRAISE ELVIS, it’s about damned time.   In May I’m going to VA for a few days of R&R with my Brainy girlfriends.  Super duper excited – I will certainly come home with some life changing memories and some new ink or steel.  FUN!

Know what I have figured out how to do?  LAUGH! I’ve been laughing and laughing and laughing lately and loving it. It’s good for me!  I hunt out the laughs.  I load my iPod up with funny movies and soundtracks and comedians and podcasts.  I watch standup while folding laundry.  I laugh with the boys, with the dog, with my friends.  LAUGHTER – pretty awesome stuff.   Comes in really handy when you realize that there are some crazy assed injustices in the world that you just cannot do a damned thing about.   Seriously, you cannot “un-fuck-up” a person.  They are either gonna stay fucked up forever or they are gonna pull themselves out of the Fucked-Up barrel themselves.  So you just have to say, “Huh. Yeah.  That person is really a card carrying member of the Fucked Up Freak Show” and walk on.  I prefer to walk on laughing, which brings me to my next topic —

Will Ferrell.  For real, folks.  This guy makes me piss myself.  He’s soooooooo funny. “Help me Jesus!  Help me Jewish God!  Help me Tom Cruise!  HELP ME OPRAH WINFREY!!!”   Yeah, good ol’ Will Ferrell makes life good.

Know what else makes life good???  Hummus.  Yeah.  Gonna go make some of that now…