Hold the lettuce, onion, pickle, and mustard

In other words, KETCHUP!

I’ve thought of a thousand things to title this post, but am unable to decide. Mostly because nearly 100% of the stuff going on is sooooooooooo good and juicy and wonderful and delicious … but the 1% that isn’t good sucks eggs. Actually, it sucks something much more nastay than eggs, but I’m a classy gal. Bwhahahahha. Anyhow, so I’m just gonna spill the ugly before I dance in the awesomeness.

My sister is in jail. Again. A little different this time because she’s actually staying there for awhile. Who knows how long - at least for another week, probably more like a couple of months. I know that most of you don’t even know that I have a sister. I don’t talk about her much. We’re as different as night and day and it’s hardly possible to tell that we came from the same genetic farm, much less the same freaking family tree. She has a blog and some of you readers have found me through her blog, so I guess I’m outing her. But I really don’t feel as though I’m calling her out - I’m sure she’d write about it if she could. She has certainly written about nearly everything else in her life in gritty detail. But even if she wouldn’t want me to write about it, well, too bad. It’s a matter of public record. Anyone in the world could find out about it and frankly, I’m tired of dodging the issue of having a sister who is mentally ill, incredibly irresponsible, totally unable to own up to her full responsibility in life, and selfish as the day is long. I’m tired of being concerned for the well-being of my nieces. I’m tired of all of it. I’m tired of pretending to care a lot when, in actuality, I care very little. You can only be burned so many times before you stop even going within 40 miles of the fire. Having said all of that, it doesn’t make it any easier to imagine her in jail. She’s my sister. She spent Mother’s Day alone in jail, she most likely will be spending her 40th birthday in jail. NO one in my family has ever been in jail - well, for more than a few hours. It’s hard to imagine how she spends her days. It’s hard to think about what she might be thinking and feeling. I love her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her. How do you stop loving your sister? You don’t. But you stop being sucked in - which I have done. I’m not visiting. I’m not writing. I’m not calling. I’m not going to her court hearings. I sure as hell am not believing a single syllable that comes out of her mouth as long as I live. I’m not doing anything but living with the profound realization that if this doesn’t change her, nothing will. I’m betting that nothing will. This hurts my heart like you wouldn’t believe. Heartbroken ambivalence - is there such a thing?

Moving on the goodies!!

I just got back from the gym. Can I just say how much I love that gym? Holy crap. I think I somehow got married to a TreadClimber and also managed to get the Nautilus Delt machine deported, but other than that, it was a great day! I could seriously work out there 3x a day. Alas, I shall wait until tomorrow. I love the gym. OHHHHHHH how I love the gym. Must get a one piece bathing suit — cannot really do laps comfortably in a bikini. I also need yet another water bottle. I’m just not pleased with mine. I think this afternoon I’m gonna sew myself up a funky gym bag. SCORE!

B decided that the 70 some odd channels we had on TV wasn’t enough. Well, that and we both decided that we loath Mediacom with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. So we switched to Dish. Now, let me tell you, I thought we’d be getting the 100 channels. NOPE. B decides that we need 250 channels PLUS a zillion and twelve satellite radio channels. I decided that we need the DVR (TiVo.) SO now I have a zillion channels that I can watch at any time. I can pause the TV to go pee and not miss a single thing! And I have to say the satellite music stuff rocks. Did you know that there is a channel that’s nothing but Elvis 24/7? I shit you not. Same for Sinatra. Of course, the one that gets the most use is the Grateful Dead channel. Oh yes. My new favorite number is 6032. SCORE!

If you’re a regular reader, you know that I’ve started pimpin’ out my friend, Stacie. She recently opened this fly studio downtown (Corner of 9th and Broadway for you locals) and invited Duck and Stealth to come play so she could figure out the lighting in her new digs. Let me tell you - this woman blew me away. FOR REALS. We had the best time evah evah evah evah. She took some amazing pictures - I cannot wait to see them all. Here’s a little preview:

Please, ya’ll, go to Stacie’s site and check out all her goodies. She travels, folks. And she’s wicked fun and thinks I’m da bomb. What are you waiting for?? CALL HER AND SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY!! I’ll wait….

I’ve been craving a steak for months. This is bizarre because, in my 32 years of life, I’ve never ever wanted a steak. Suddenly I can think of damned near nothing else. So B and I are gonna go get me a steak tonight. The kids are gone (woot) and he’s off, so we’re gonna go have a little fun.

Speaking of, what the hell am I still doing here on the puter?

later taters.

I’m a woman of my word

Today I made good on a promise I made to Stealth 2 years ago and gave him a purple mohawk. I cannot believe how well he did (and Duck, too, who wanted red, we bought red, it turned fuscia - which he loves more than red anyhow…) I gave them each haircuts and then had to bleach Stealth’s hair out and then color it. Duck’s was already blond enough to not need bleaching.

So, who’s gonna take me in after B kicks me out when he sees this?

Archaeology for 88 cents

I found these really cute things for 88 cents that allows the boys to “dig” for treasures just like archaeologists. Seriously, 88 cents for something that got them dirty, sweaty (it’s surprisingly hard to hack through this clay stuff,) interested, entertained, educated, and excited. They each found a treasure (a sarcophagus and an idol cat,) and a deeper interest in history. Awesome!

Duckism

“I don’t need to do homework, Stealth!  I’m learning on my own now!!”

Classroom pics

We learned that post paints aren’t just for posters, finger paints aren’t just for fingers OR for painting, dismantled washing machines can make awesome forts, parachutes made from grocery sacks and mop handles are cool when shot out of an air cannon, hand prints make awesome leaves, and that teaching makes it damned near impossible to learn.

It’s likely that this might turn into an Unschooling blog. Or maybe more likely I’ll start another blog about our unschooling ventures. We’re diving in, we’re swimming in the free waters of child led learning, and I must say, we’re already a hell of a lot smarter.

Some pictures of the artwork done in the basement this weekend. It’s become an “Art Gallery / Studio” and paints and brushes are now kept out at easy reach for those spur of the moment inspirations. The words mostly are my work, the drippy heart is Duck’s, the MOM is Stealth’s.

Fingerpaint handprints make awesome leaves

and finger paint footprints are lovely, too

And since the feet are already slippery, why not skate?

And from hanging out and learning in the yard …

Saturday Stillness

It’s Saturday morning. The boys are upstairs watching cartoons. B is gone. I’m drinking coffee, still in my pjs, listening to Explosions in the Sky, and enjoying being in the now.

now now now now now now now

It’s all we have, after all.

I feel as though I’m coming up for air after a long, slow almost-suffocation. It really is as if I can feel my brain getting oxygen and clearing and opening up and letting the fog go to wherever it goes to restore it’s gnarliness supplies for the next go round. I feel free and open at this moment.

I can honestly say that I feel no sense of rush or urgency about anything at all - that’s not something I can say often (read: ever.) I’m trying to change that. What’s the hurry? What is going to happen that I cannot wait the 10 seconds it takes to breathe, think, transition? Ah, transitioning. Not really one of my strong points. I do a lot of things, often times many things at once, things in succession constantly. I realize, however, that I don’t take the time to transition between one thing and another - I jump from one to another without batting an eye, without taking a breath, without transitioning. What happens as a result is that I miss out on the endings and beginning of things - the subtle shift that completes a thought or action, the first colors and flavors of a new idea, deed, or change. In essence, I’ve been living the Cliff’s Notes version of life. Flat champagne - still gets you drunk, but is just not the same. What a loss! What a shame! Life is in the details and I’ve been skipping over the juiciest ones:

The pleasure of noticing the sensations in my body as I sit in stillness and wait for “what’s next.”

The complete balance I experience while I sit in Lotus as my spine stretches to the sky and the energy travels up it and shines out of the top of my head.

The beautiful undulation of my breath as it moves completely independent of my efforts - it’s amazing!

When sunlight bounces off my arm, it makes my tattoo look like it’s dancing.

In between actions, regardless of how fast you jump from one to another, there is a beat. A pause. These moments, however fleeting, are our invitation to experience gratitude, peace, completion, stillness. Some days, these brief moments might be the only opportunity we have to feel any of those things. How sad to miss them. There is no such thing as not having time to find stillness in ourselves. 10 second meditations can change a life.

~beat~

B is gone for the weekend. He left early this morning to drive 90 minutes south for a camping trip with his 3 best friends from high school. These four guys were like brothers (actually, 2 of them are brothers … twins, in fact,) years ago until college and life and family became priorities. These guys have been trying to get together to go camping like this for more than 9 years. I couldn’t be happier for him - B never does this kind of thing. He’ll be gone until late tomorrow night. He has no schedule, no limitations. I’m certain that he, too, will find time to appreciate the stillness.

~beat~

I’m practicing relinquishing control while B is gone this weekend. I realize that I have some sort of “need” to control every aspect of everything in the house (read: about the kids) that it is robbing everyone - including myself - of autonomy. For 2 days, we’ll have no limits on screen time, snacks, music, etc. As long as it won’t poison them or leave them an amputee, I’m going to let the kids call the shots for themselves. This also means that I’m calling the shots for myself, as well, and will attempt to squash any “should” or “ought to” thoughts before they have a chance to manifest themselves. I belong to a radical unschooling discussion list online and the majority of folks on that list live this way 24/7 with their children and have reported amazing results. I’ve started implementing it in small doses for a week or so (giving unlimited access to computer time one day, etc.) and my boys limited themselves to only about 20 minutes longer than I normally “allow” anyway! Already today they have turned the cartoons off a full 90 minutes before the end of their allotted “Saturday Morning Cartoon Time.” I swear, I don’t give my kids enough credit.

What is this need to control? I would say that it’s because I don’t trust my children to make good choices for themselves, but if I’m going to be honest, I cannot say that. The truth is that maybe I don’t trust myself — trust myself to see the teaching moments in everything, trust myself enough to let my children learn from their own choices and mistakes, trust my parenting thus far, trust my ability to handle whatever their choices might be. It seems that in trying to teach them, I am preventing them from learning. Preventing myself from learning.

I’m going to sit with that for a while.

~beat~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIE!!!

I missed the KR concert (I still cannot even speak of that grave injustice as of yet,) but you know I never miss WIllie.  Seeing him again (for the 3rd time) in July!

Whiskey River Take My Mind …..

The kids’ new favorite song

I’ve heard it 17 times already today.  No I’m not kidding. Yes I’m counting.

FIRE FIRE FIRE

Had a little fun fun with some hair color today at DDFF’s house. I lurve it. I’m an Aries, after all, and we’re all about the fire!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEALTH!!!!

6 years ago today you entered this world with a lusty cry and a dramatic entrance that would make Patti Lupone proud. You have changed my life in ways I never knew possible. I love you. I adore you. I respect you. I admire you. I cherish you.

And this morning….