Posts Tagged ‘program’

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Getting better all the time

August 24, 2008

Sunday morning in a quiet house.  B is out fishing with the boys, Hank is somewhere snoring and drooling on the floor, and I’m sitting here drinking coffee and listening to Feist.  I have been feeling some pressure to write here, but I have no idea why.  Maybe because I’m feeling like maybe it’s time to say goodbye to this blog for awhile.   Maybe I just need to say goodbye to the idea of writing for other people’s eyes.  Maybe I need to say hello to writing only for myself.  Mostly, though, I think I just need to say goodbye to expectations -my own and others’.

Things are not as they once were. Things are vastly different in my life these days and I’ve become almost unrecognizable.  Oh sure, I look the same on the outside, but if you talk to me for 15 minutes, you’ll wonder who I am.  If you live with me, you’ll wonder where I went.  You’d see that I do almost everything differently, I see everything differently: I breathe difference, I dance change, I eat growth, I drip serenity, and I sing acceptance … most of the time.  Sometimes I slip.  Sometimes I falter.  Sometimes I crash and bleed.  The difference, however, is that while I used to sit there and wallow in my blood and self hatred for “failing,” I now reach out for a hand up, I laugh at the funny way my body landed at the bottom of the steps, and I’m gentle with myself as I start to climb again.  And I always start to climb again, one step at a time.

Some of you know the change in me.  Some of you know how the change is coming, what steps I’m taking.  It’s a big deal.  It’s a life long journey, a choice every day.  I’m actually considering starting another blog to write about this journey I’m on, but am not sure about that, so I’m gonna sit on it a for awhile.  I have spoken to someone who is also on this journey with me and she mentioned that she likes to read about it here.  Maybe I will keep it here, I’m not sure.  Right now it seems fragile, private, my own, and it’s just such a vast departure from the unhealthy, sick, damaged ways of a thousand yesterdays that I wonder if opening it up to others eyes will reinforce it or cause me pause and doubt.  The answer will come and I just have to have faith.

Progress not perfection

I am approaching a place in the road where I will be saying goodbye to some things, hello to some, and hello again to yet others (both externally and internally.)  I see it, I feel it, I taste it.  It is right there in front of me and I’m standing here awaiting the clue to take that step.  Interesting thing is this – I am continuing to walk and with every step I take, that place in the road comes along with me! It’s like it just sort of comes along beside me and wherever I happen to be, it’s just off to the side.  This is a blissful feeling for me because I know that there is no rush to step into that spot, it will be there whenever I am ready and it doesn’t halt my progress along the way that I am not ready just yet.

I have some things in my life that I’ve never had before – a Gathering Of Divinity, a Guide, and a whole community of folks who love me – not in spite of my imperfections, but because of them – because, frankly, they have them, too.  Because of these things and people and energy, I can say what my imperfections are and not only accept them, but love them.  And because I can love my imperfections and love myself with my imperfections, I’m learning acceptance, tolerance, and love for the imperfections in others as well.  Huge thing for me.  Don’t get me wrong, though – this does not mean that I am an open field for the play of unacceptable things.  It does not mean that I am allowing myself to accept unacceptable behavior or things from others.  I am setting boundaries left and right, but they are boundaries, not barriers. My guide tells me that this is growth.  I believe her.

Peace, love, hope, serenity.  Laughter, healing, faith, fellowship.  Powerlessness = empowerment.

I’m getting better all the time.