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If it ain’t broken…

March 1, 2009

I’ve been doing some shopping lately.  I don’t buy myself clothes very often, but when I do, I do it in mass quantities.  It used to be that I wanted really high end  stuff and would buy things that I thought fit the bill and spend lots of money on things … only to try them on a thousand times at home and dismiss them because they didn’t fit just right, the color was a little off, it was impractical.  I wasted several thousands of dollars over the years buying things that I thought I should like, I should wear, I should have, only to donate them to the Salvation Army with the tags still attached (keeping the reciepts is kind of a new thing to me … go figure.)  Eventually I realized that I live in jeans, cargo pants, yoga pants,  long sleeved tshirts, tank tops, and skirts I make myself.  I don’t need to have black chinos because I don’t wear black chinos.  I don’t need 4 pair of khaki pants because I don’t even wear the one pair I like.  And did I really think I was going to wear that floor length green silk thing I got a size too big because it was on sale for 75% off?  ugh.  The transition to a more sane approach to shopping has been awhile coming and has come in steps.  Currently, I’m a recovering shopping bulemic (B’s term.)  I buy things and then return them the next day (see … saving recipts.)  Or I’ll walk around a store for hours carrying things I intend to buy and then put them all back right before leaving and buy something else entirely.  I’m a work in progress.

I write all this about shopping because I realize that there is very important message under it all.  I do it because, like I said, I think I SHOULD have, wear, buy, own, look good in, feel good in, want to wear xyz.  SHOULD.  I’m shoulding all over myself.   (I mention shopping, but this really applies to everything  – shopping, eating, reading, sleeping, exercising, socializing, etc.) Why?  Because I have a hard time accepting who I really am.   Or, well, I did.  I’m getting much much better about it.

What is this thing with self acceptance? Why is it so hard?  Why do we feel that we are not good enough AS IS?  How many billions of dollars are spent every year on weight loss products, anti aging products, self help products, squeeze-and-hammer-and-chisle-yourself-into-someone-else’s-mold products?  Why do we spend so much time and money and energy and thought into changing ourselves when we don’t even know who-what-how we are in the first place?  It’s almost as if, in this society anyway, our default mindset is “deficit.”  It’s like we automatically believe, feel, think that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing or changing or SHOULD be different.  It’s just so heartbreaking.  We are all good enough, worthy enough, delicious enough, simply enough – just as we are.  Yes, of course, there are all things that we can work towards and add to our lives, but let it be that -adding to ourselves, not FIXING ourselves.  After all, there is nothing broken.

“The fruit of self-understanding is self acceptance. The fruit of self acceptance is self-love. The fruit of self-love is love for the world. The fruit of love for the world is service to the world. The fruit of service to the world is peace”Russell Rowe

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One comment

  1. yes. yes. yes.



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