Fifty bucks

September 16, 2005

My brother in law is getting married tomorrow. TOMORROW. That means today will be known here on out as The Day For Complete And Total Mental Breakdowns or, if you’re the expressive type, HOLY FUCK AND GUACAMOLE. I’m thinking of making it a National Holiday, complete with honorary bird (an exploding crow,) and anthem (We’re Not Gonna Take It, by Twisted Sister.)

I’m a control freak. I don’t like to admit it, but it’s true. If I don’t have a hand in things, if I don’t know exactly what is going on every second, if I don’t have a plan, I go nuts. This is playing an interesting part in this wedding as I actually have NO role in the wedding at all. My sons are ring bearers, my husband is Best Man. I am, apparently, the panic person.

Tonight is rehearsal. I’ve been told that it’s “oh, sometime between 5:30 and 6.” I asked about the wedding, where the guys are getting dressed (I will NOT try to put a 5 year old and a 3 year old in a Tux and then drive them out of town,) and I’ve been told, “Oh somewhere – we just need to be ready for pictures at 4.” I asked about timing and dress code and everything and have gotten, “Eh, sometime, something, whatever.”

My husband is making a custom mat and frame for the bride and groom. The mat will be set out at the reception and all the guests will sign the mat. Later, the bride and groom will use the mat and frame to frame a wedding portrait of themselves. Cool, eh? The mat should be there tonight or tomorrow afternoon – my husband mentions to me that he’s going to have to go buy the mat board after work TODAY and make the mat tonight. Shit on a shingle, nothing like last minute.

I asked my husband if he has black socks. His response? “Eh, I don’t know. If I get off work tomorrow (holy shit, he’s working tomorrow???) and find that I don’t have black socks, there’s a Walgreen’s about 10 minutes from the church – someone can make a run to buy some!”

My husband mentions that he will work until 2. We have to be ready for pictures (read: men and boys in tuxedos with shoes on and flies zipped) by 4. It’s a good 40 minutes from our house to the church. It takes my husband 15 minutes to get home from work. And he HAS to shower somewhere in between. Damn.

Stealth, the 3 year old, hates the tux. HATES it. Refuses to wear it. SCREAMS like a banshee when he sees it. Duck, the 5 year old, refuses to take it off once it’s on. Mentions that he wants to look PERFECT for Uncle B’s wedding. He’s going to break my heart, that little one. My husband says that Duck looks so good in his tux that it makes him catch his breath. Must remember to bring tissues.

I’m really looking forward to it, however. I know I’ll bawl like an infant. I know that I’ll be overwhelmed with emotion for my brother in law and his new bride (who, by the way, is so amazing.) I know that I’ll look up at my husband and my children and be flooded with pride and love and gratitude. I know that I’ll look at my mother in law and my father in law and, as the tears flow down their cheeks (which I know will happen,) I’ll probably understand why they have been so resistant to let my brother in law go. He’s their baby and he’s found his partner for life.

And then I’ll cuss my bra that is starting to slip and hate the shoes I have on and wish like hell that someone had a little whiskey stashed in their purse.

The bride and groom are so sick of this wedding. They just want it to be over. Sincerely. I understand. They’ve been living together for awhile now. They own a house. They have been married in the heart from the day they met. I understand that, too. It was exactly the same for my husband and myself.

It makes me think of my wedding to B, coming up on 5 years ago. There was no rehearsal dinner. There were no tux’s, no ring bearers, no seating arrangements. No one went into debt for our wedding. No one had to get measured for anything. The whole thing took about 2 minutes and cost us a whopping $50 for the marriage license.

For that $50, I got a new name, a new life, a husband, and peace of mind.

Best money I ever spent.


  1. awww–please post some pics of Stealth and Duck all decked out!!
    and have a wonderful time at the wedding!!!
    —my wedding to Rob was $50 too–on a whim in Asheville! best whim i ever went on!

  2. I wish I could be there for you to tell me about it in person – over a beer or that whisky.

    And I want to see a pic of the dress you choose!

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